27
Oct
10

Official Opinions: The Sports Fan’s “Championship Game”

Inspired by an article about the 10 Best Sports Themed Weddings, I decided to put together what I feel would be the most over the top sports wedding that one could have. What scares me the most is that I know some of you readers (ahem, fellow guys) might think, “Hey, this is a great idea. I should totally get my fiancée to agree to this.” DO NOT DO THIS. This wedding will seriously make the guests wonder whether you’re marrying your favorite team instead of your significant other.

Sure, you could try and have a classy wedding in which your sports team’s colors are mildly included, but what’s the fun in that? As with all sporting events, “Go big or go home.” For the groom, wearing a sports jersey is not an option, it’s a necessity. Make it customized with your last name and your favorite number too. Find a tailor that has the ability to turn said jersey into a tux and you’ve got a sports fan’s dream suit. As for the bride, see if she can find a wedding gown in the color of your team. Match the shoes and your future husband will be happier than a Cubs fan on the distant, distant day in the future when they finally win the World Series. As for the bridesmaids and groomsmen, this is where things can get to be a lot of fun. Let’s say you’re a Chicago Bears fan. How great would it be to see the bridesmaids in cheerleader outfits and the groomsmen in full pads, wearing the Bears uniform?

Once you’ve got the wardrobe aspect figured out, it’s time to move on to the procession. Every sports team gets the crowd pumped up with a great pregame entrance, so your wedding should be no different. Planning is key here. Once everyone’s seated, dim the lights, bring out the spotlight, and start blasting “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC. For added effect, shoot off some pyrotechnics every time they say “THUNDER!” Just make sure Grandma’s out of range of the blasts. Her weak heart and polyester dress suit are just about the last thing you want next to timed explosions of American glory. At the entrance point, make sure you’ve got a huge poster that boldly displays “GO (insert you and your fiancée’s name here), LET’S! GET! MARRIED!” for the wedding party to run through. Focus the spotlight there and hire Michael Buffer to announce each party member as they smash through the poster and head towards the altar.

After the wedding party has entered and smoke from the pyrotechnics has cleared, it’s time for the flower girl to make the most epic of entrances. Stop “Thunderstruck” and start up Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part 2”. Every time Gary yells “Hey!” the flower girl throws the flowers in the air. If they don’t have flowers in your team’s colors, just get some confetti. Finally, when the bride enters, set it up with one of the best songs to come out of the 80s, Europe’s “The Final Countdown”. This song is pertinent for many reasons, one of them being that these are the last 30 seconds the groom has to call an audible and book it. (Did you see that sports phrase tie-in?! Fantastic writing.) Not that you would do that, guys. Right? I sure hope not.

One last little touch in the wardrobe department. Make sure the conductor of the ceremony, be it a priest, rabbi, whoever else you choose to use, is wearing a referee outfit. Is it sacrilege? Yes. Does it tie the whole event together? Hell yes.

This next part, if executed correctly, will go down as one of the greatest wedding pranks ever. Like the Men’s Wearhouse guy, “I guarantee it.” During the middle of the ceremony, call a timeout. Just do it. Form a huddle with your spouse and wedding party. Then have a friend dressed up as a coach, headset and all, as well as a few waterboys, come out of nowhere to the huddle that you’ve formed. After about 20 seconds get everyone to put their hands in and yell “Break!” Get back to the altar and continue the ceremony acting like nothing happened.

After you each say “I do” and the ceremony has ended, play “We Are the Champions” by Queen as confetti rains down from the ceiling and the newlywed couple exits the building. At the location’s exit, get a couple of people to act as sports reporters, with microphones, cameras and lights, just like a post-game interview. Make sure to throw in some phrases like “Couldn’t have done it without the support of my wife. It was a real team effort.” or “She was a true class act throughout the entire ceremony. I didn’t think we’d make it through, but the best man served as a major spark plug for us in the second half.”

What do players do after the game? They go to the locker room. Hence, the reception should be set up as one. Throw an ice bath in one corner of the room, have some lockers against a wall, and some benches as well. Make sure the tables and flowers match the team colors. If you can, try and get “stadium seats” for chairs. It’s these extra things that will really pull the room together, man. Make sure you get a wedding band that will cater to your every need as well. We all know the reception wouldn’t be the same without live performances of stadium anthems such as “Crazy Train” and “Hells Bells.”

Most importantly, be sure to celebrate the ultimate victory. You did it! You won life’s biggest championship: finding someone who was willing to put up with your sports themed wedding and still wants to be with you afterward. Come on, did you really think I would take the time to write an entire post about a sports themed wedding and not sneak in a cheesy, yet sentimental “life lesson/accomplishment” moment? It’d be like ending the film “Rudy” before he gets carried off the field. If I just ruined the ending for you, I’m sorry. The movie came out 17 years ago. I think we’re past the “Spoiler Alert” time frame.

Lastly, after the wedding and the reception, throw a couple extra bones Michael Buffer’s way to have him standing outside your bedroom just so he can yell, “LET”S GET READY TO CONSUMAAAAATE!!!” How many people can say they started off their marriage like that?

Feel free to leave a comment with anything you think I left out. I would love to hear what you, the readers, come up with. Have a most excellent rest of the week.

–Taylor

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Delivering a mind-blowing musical performance at an event is an art and planning it is a science. Stitely Entertainment has mastered both by planning and executing thousands of events.

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