20
Oct
10

Official Opinions: Would You Like Fries with that Lifetime Commitment?

For those of you looking for the next sign of the apocalypse, here it is: Hong Kong McDonalds locations are now booking requests to hold wedding receptions at their restaurants. Starting on January 1, 2011, you can say “I do” while Super Sizing your #7 value meal at the same time. Now, as a fan of the Big Mac, McDonalds is of course one of the five main food groups on the college student’s food pyramid, I’d be extremely intrigued if asked to attend a wedding reception at one of these locations. The intrigue does not come solely from the choice of location, but how the typical wedding reception activities would occur. I’m going to break the occasion down into four parts of a normal wedding reception and give you an idea of what I think would happen with the dinner, the toast, the cake cutting and the dancing.

Dinner

How in the world do they set up a usable system for this part of the night? There is no way that having everyone line up to order would work. Think about it. Do the bride and groom go first? How do you organize the rest of the line? Don’t even think about custom ordering that double cheeseburger with no onions because, first of all, you know they won’t get it right, and it certainly wouldn’t be worth waiting in line again for them to correct it. Your Uncle Allen is bound to get irritated the longer he goes without food, so he’ll probably just get in his car and use the drive-thru. Basically you’re looking at a disaster with the line set up.

What else can one do then? Buffet-style dinner. Those Chicken McNuggets have never looked classier than they do resting in that sterling silver chafing dish. Cut down on line time and keep Uncle Allen happy with a limitless supply of McRibs. Brilliant move.

Toast

What better place for the toast than to stand behind the counter and blast it through the mic on the cash register? It says, “I love you and your spouse so much that I want the fry cook in the back to know it.” Classy. Actually, use the opportunity to send some love to the fry cook as well. He worked hard to provide the wedding party with enough calories to nourish a third world country.

Cake Cutting

Oh the possibilities. You think I want to see a traditional wedding cake at a reception held in a McDonalds? Hell no. Get me all the apple pies you’ve got and stick them together with some of that delicious soft serve ice cream. While you’re at it, throw some hot fudge on top of it too. I didn’t show up to see some gourmet creation by a bakery. I’m at a McDonalds. Let’s keep our expectations realistic here. Enjoy cutting through that with the free plastic knife.

(On a side note, during my most recent visit to McDonalds I noticed that the apple pies were advertised as “50 cents!” with “2 for $1” right below it. Can someone please explain to me where the added value in the “2 for $1” is found?)

Dancing

By this part of the night, it’s become obvious that the newlywed couple really didn’t think this event through. The line to the bathroom has become longer than the Great Wall that’s protecting the country, Uncle Allen’s gone into cardiac arrest due to consuming more McRibs than any person ever should, and now people want to bust a move and work off some of those fries, but there isn’t enough room for even a soloist to fit in the restaurant. Instead, the band is found playing into the “Place Your Order Here” microphone in the drive-thru, and that’s being broadcast over the speakers in the dining area. At least make sure the band’s from Stitely Entertainment so you know you’re getting a quality performance.

With “Sweet Caroline” sounding like it’s being played through a tin can, you somehow manage to squeeze in between the tables and dance with that special someone. She may have some McDonalds BBQ sauce on her face, but are you really going to display high standards at this point of the night? Once the band takes their 15 minute break, sit down, grab a McFlurry, and take in the surroundings. It’s surely an event that you won’t soon forget.

In closing, I’d like to suggest a couple of other places that would be ridiculous to have a wedding reception in:

White Castle–They already take reservations for Valentine’s Day. Why not take it a step further?

Bob Evans–Get hitched “down on the farm.”

Olive Garden–Nothing says true love like unlimited breadsticks. They’ll probably write a terribly cheesy commercial about it afterward too.

If ever invited to any of these wedding receptions, please do me a favor and attend them. It’s too ridiculous of an occasion to pass up. Have a most excellent day.

–Taylor

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